Fostering The Virtue of Friendship At Home
Friendship is often thought of as a virtue that comes most naturally to children. However, it needs careful tending, because the virtue of friendship is not just something that we possess, but requires that we do something - namely, be a friend. I hope to provide some ways to help with that in this post. Let’s begin, first, with the meaning of friendship.
What is Friendship?
The Aristotelian understanding of friendship is:
Striving after someone else’s good for their own sake. The continual, active cultivation of human relationships based on the love of the same thing.
You will notice that this definition speaks of friendship as a verb - meaning it requires that something happen. Friendship is a “striving” and “cultivation.” It is something we exhibit over and over again.
I also want to draw attention to the point that this definition describes relationships that are “based on a love of the same thing.” Indeed, this means that those we show friendship to are not just those that we would traditionally qualify as our “friends.” To possess the virtue of friendship, we must bring it to any relationship that has common ground.
How Do We Foster Friendship At Home?
The truth is, the best way to foster friendship in your home is to model it yourself. Now, this might sound like an easy task. Often enough, it is. But we must not only be friendly when it is convenient or easy. Friendship exists in the midst of conflict and disagreement as well. It exists when the things you think, feel, and believe most passionately are threatened.
A master of the virtue of friendship exhibits it in conversations with bosses, in-laws, children, and spouses. It is important to include teachers, other parents at a school, and students in this list as well. For they too fall under the definition of “relationships based on the love of the same thing.”
Children pay attention to the spirit and tone you bring to conversations. They notice what you say about relatives, teachers, and neighbors in the privacy of your own homes. They notice how you speak to your spouse when you disagree.
If we want our children to understand friendship in a meaningful way then we must be vigilant in our own relationships and bring the desire for good to each interaction.
#1 Identify and name friendship whenever possible
When your child shares with others, apologizes first, refrains from tattling, or speaks positively rather than complaining - these are instances of friendship. When your child chooses to give a classmate the benefit of the doubt instead of assuming the worst, or recognizes that their teacher works hard to help them to learn - these are instances of friendship.
When we see these things occurring it is important to name them explicitly and intentionally as friendship. The sooner we can help our children to understand friendship as a virtue worth possessing, the better!
#2 Look for opportunities to demonstrate friendship
Remember that friendships rarely just happen by chance. Perhaps in our youngest years this is the case. But, as I’m sure many understand in an all-to-familiar way, forming friendships beyond grade school can be challenging. More than that, though, without intentional actions friendships often grow distant.
Try talking to your child about their current friends and classmates. What do they value in those friends? What do they appreciate? What are some ways that they can show that friend they are cherished?
In turn, how can your child show friendship to those who may need a friend but don’t have many? How can they be a friend to someone they don’t get along with all the time?
This is another area where you can model what this looks like. When you take a meal to someone going through a big change - whether that be a new baby, grief, a move, etc. - you model friendship. When you go out of your way to tell your child something you appreciate about them - you model friendship.
These are small, incremental steps that parents can take to foster a childlike view of friendship that will eventually turn into a much larger and deeper understanding.
#3 Cheer on friends when they do well.
This last tip is perhaps the easiest to fit into your everyday life. There are so many moments in a child’s day that offer occasion for disappointment or envy. How many times have you heard something like this?
“Mom, Johnny got to pick out of the prize bucket today and I didn’t!”
“Ugh. Tyler always does better on tests than I do.”
“Olivia got another gold behavior star…it’s so annoying.”
My son is three years old and I myself have heard some iteration of this (usually involving a toy car or train), so I can imagine how often parents with grade-school children hear it.
Remember now the definition we outlined above: Striving after someone else’s good for their own sake. This means desiring that our friends do well.
As parents, we can encourage our children to cheer on their friends and remind them that a friend’s success does not mean their own failure. On the contrary, we should be delighted when our friends succeed in good and noble endeavors because we care about their wellbeing and happiness.
As of the publishing date of this article, we’ll be heading into the end of another school year - a time filled with a plethora of events, stressful exams, and an approaching goodbye to another graduating class of seniors. Indeed, fostering the virtue of friendship is always important, but it seems particularly timely right now.
